What comes up a lot in my work, and even in my own personal life, is how difficult relationships are and how difficult it can be to come from a place of authenticity.
There's a good chance that many of us grew up in homes where we didn't necessarily have a vocabulary for expressing our feelings and clearly requesting what we needed. That's where Nonviolent Communication comes in.
Nonviolent Communication is a model developed by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg and has been used to broker peace among warring parties, both in the political and personal spheres, which, of course, often, if not always, intersect.
If you've grown up in a home where it wasn't safe, emotionally or physically, to express that you were feeling sad, scared, or even happy or proud, over time we may develop a pattern of finding other ways to try to get our needs met. Some of those other ways might be by using criticism, or using the power of moral authority, because simply expressing our feelings and needs wasn’t enough to elicit a caring response.
It just doesn't feel natural to come out and say, "Hey, when you said that thing at dinner, I felt hurt. It’s important to me to feel valued for the effort I put into making a healthy dinner. Would you be willing to say something appreciative about my effort?”
There are many reasons we don't learn to express the full range of emotions in a healthy way. There are also many reasons we learn that it's safer, or more socially acceptable, not to make clear requests of others.
For example, some cultures value group survival over individual feelings and needs. You get to decide what aspects of this way of interacting with others you wish to experiment with.
If you've grown up in a home where you weren't allowed to express yourself emotionally because that would have meant a caregiver would need to respond in some way, and if a caregiver has been impaired, abusive, ill, traumatized, or too stressed by the basic task of survival, a child may not have learned how to get their emotional needs met in a healthy, mature way. They may also have learned to disconnect from, hide, or minimize their emotional needs in order to adapt.
And yet this is exactly what we need as adults to deepen intimacy in our relationships. Of course, it's not the only thing. We also need to have enough shared values to have a foundation to build on, and shared positive experiences. But certainly, learning to express our feelings and needs is an important part of fulfilling relationships.
Feelings are information. They are what our nervous system registers through body sensations and thoughts that act like signposts, guiding us toward what we might need. Feeling sad might signal a need for companionship or rest. Feeling angry might signal that some important value or boundary has been crossed. Feeling joyful might signal that your needs are being met in some way, perhaps your needs for play and pleasure.
Judgements have their place, as we all need to make decisions about who we allow into our lives and who we perhaps keep at a distance, and judgements about what to do in our day if we have that choice.
Criticism has its place, but its place is limited when it comes to building safe, secure, connected, intimate relationships. That's when we need to go to the next level by developing the courage to move through the discomfort of vulnerability and start sharing more of ourselves, our hopes, our dreams, what we like, and what we don't like.
Of course, it is always a risk because there are some people who may not be able to give us enough of what we need emotionally. And of course, we, too, are sometimes those people who may not be able to give someone else what they need emotionally.
But we need to develop the language to build a bridge into our own inner life, our own emotions, our own needs, and then be able to practice communicating that to another.
And that is why I like the NVC model. Mind you, there have been some criticisms. This way of speaking does not come naturally, but it is a good place to start shifting from the language of right, wrong, and judgment toward a more vulnerable communication style that encourages curiosity about self and others. If you’d like to increase your emotional vocabulary and insight into the feelings and needs of yourself and others, you can start by checking out this list of feelings and needs. You can view the NVC model here: NVC 4 Step Communication Model
Here I want to add a caution. If you are in an abusive relationship, the problem is not communication. Please focus on what you need to do to keep yourself physically, emotionally, and legally safe. If you are not sure if you are in an abusive relationship, please see the Wheel of Power and Control.
Also, there may be aspects of communication from your culture or family that you wish to honour, so the idea is to practise the principles rather than the exact words.
You might ask yourself:
What feeling words are familiar?
What feeling words are unfamiliar?
Look over the needs.
What are your needs in this stage of your life?
What makes you feel wonderful?
This week, you might wish to practice, in an environment where you feel safe enough, expressing a feeling and what would help you feel more wonderful, while also being open to hearing that from others.
And then just notice.
What did it feel like? What felt weird or strange?
Here's to having more connected, joyful relationships!