Being vulnerable with another person is perhaps one of the scariest and most courageous acts we can engage in as humans. One way to feel stronger is to feel “right”, to defend our position, to make the other person “wrong.” For adults who grew up with highly authoritarian parenting styles that focused more on behavior than on connection or emotional intelligence, taking a de-selfed position can feel safer and more familiar than speaking from the self.
Dr. Harriet Lerner, feminist clinical psychologist, has written extensively about romantic and family relationships and the work of developing more authentic connections. She advocates for “making clear statements of self… this is what I think, this is how I feel differently from you.”
Communicating from a de-selfed position blocks access to our true thoughts and feelings. We are kept out of our own inner landscape and instead communicate in a way that distances us from the connection we crave. The moral high ground may feel safe, but from that place of judgment we often feel more alone.
Here are some common examples of de-selfed communication, with alternatives that support clarity and connection:
Taking the Moral High Ground
Example:
“I would never leave such a mess like you. I can’t believe how inconsiderate you can be.”
Problem:
This sets up a power-over dynamic, with one person superior and the other inferior. The speaker doesn’t share their own feelings or needs, making true dialogue impossible.
Constructive alternative:
“It’s really important to me to have a kitchen without dishes in the sink. I feel calmer when the space is clean.”
Making “You” vs. “I” Statements
Example:
“You make me so angry.”
Problem:
Invites defensiveness, blocks connection to one’s own experience, and places full responsibility on the other person. It also assumes they don’t care.
Constructive alternative:
“I feel angry when you say you’ll be here at 7:00 but arrive 20 minutes later. I want to feel that I can trust you. In the future, can you text me if you’ll be more than 10 minutes late?”
This takes responsibility for one’s own feelings and advocates for a need without shaming.
Giving Unasked-For Advice
Example:
“You need to go work on yourself. I know about this event happening this summer—you should go.”
Problem:
Makes assumptions about the other person and sidesteps one’s own feelings and vulnerabilities. It prevents deeper exploration.
Constructive alternative:
“I’m really worried about you. I get the impression you’ve been struggling lately, and it’s affecting our relationship.”
Diagnosing or Analyzing Without Consent
Example:
“You’re acting this way because of your unresolved issues.”
Problem:
Reinforces a power dynamic where one person is the “healthy” one and the other is the “problem.” It increases defensiveness and blocks understanding.
The more we hide from our own thoughts, feelings, and needs, the more alienated we become—from ourselves and from others. This distance can create a self-fulfilling prophecy: people begin to pull away, reinforcing the belief that we are not enough.
So for today, how might you communicate from a position of self?
What does it feel like to open in this way?
What is the quality of relating?
And in contrast, what do you notice when communicating from a de-selfed position?
Does it leave you feeling more alone or more connected?
If you come from a background of traumatic or neglectful relationships, be kind and compassionate with yourself. Communicating from a de-selfed position may once have been safer. There was a time when your feelings and needs were not responded to with the consideration you deserved.
This work is part of your healing. Even if it feels shaky or vulnerable, it is the bridge to real connection, to your Self and to others.