Why You Assume Something Bad Will Happen : and How to Change It

For many adult survivors of childhood emotional neglect, living with the assumption that something bad is about to happen can feel like a reality of life. Studies suggest that children who experience neglect often have difficulty distinguishing between anger and other negative emotional expressions (Jin & Chen, 2023).

As adults, these survivors may perceive that others are upset with them, which can cause significant emotional distress, uncertainty, and anxiety — even in situations that others might view as relatively minor stressors.

Negative confirmatory bias is one mechanism that helps explain this pattern. It’s a hardwired cognitive shortcut humans developed to enhance survival — making us more attuned to any person, place, or thing that might pose a potential threat.

Early in our development, being highly vigilant to potential threats could literally mean the difference between life and death. The trade-off was living in a heightened state of stress or missing opportunities for joy and exploration, but survival always took priority.

For an adult who has grown up with an untreated, unsupported, and unhealed legacy of childhood emotional neglect, this negative confirmatory bias often made sense. As children, they typically experienced more negative than positive interactions with one or more caregivers. From the unpredictable caregiver who would yell or become physically threatening, to the one who could not offer compassion or age-appropriate guidance, to the caregiver who was emotionally shut down and focused purely on the child’s behavior: the child learns to assume, quite reasonably, that seeking guidance or comfort might be dangerous to their physical or emotional safety.

To prevent upsetting the caregiver — and to reduce anxiety — the child may develop a heightened vigilance to potential threats. They may internalize messages such as: Be perfect. Make no mistakes. And if you do, punish yourself first.

Without support or healing, these patterns often persist into adulthood. Survivors of childhood emotional neglect may show tendencies toward perfectionism and may ignore or reject information that challenges their deep-seated belief that they are unlovable or unworthy.

Negative confirmatory bias, then, becomes not just one aspect of how the brain functions but it can become the primary driving force behind chronic anxiety and depression when left unaddressed.

But hope is not lost. With education, awareness, and a willingness to challenge old embodied beliefs, survivors of childhood emotional neglect can change their brains. They can begin to question the old embodied beliefs that made them think they were at fault, or deficient for needing care, reliability, and guidance.

Through learning physical self-soothing techniques, they can experience a greater sense of safety. Through practicing self-compassion, they can learn to coach themselves kindly through life’s inevitable challenges such making mistakes, failing, losing, without losing their sense of worth.

There is hope, and there is support available.

Reference

Jin, X., & Chen, Y. (2023). The influence of childhood emotional neglect on adult interpersonal communication: Evidence from a large-scale survey. Personality and

Why Watching TV is self Care

As soon as we learned to speak, we started telling stories. We told lies about how big that fish was, that of course, got away. We told stories to explain the stars, to explain life and death, to explain love. From the earliest days in our human evolution, we gathered around the warmth of the fire to share our experiences through movement, voice, and song. In the dark around us, we sought other bodies to connect to, to hear a voice in the gloom, to feel the laughter thrumming our parents' chests as they held us. We shared a knowing grin, when catching on to the meaning of a subtle joke, and felt invited into some shared understanding. The next day, gathered around the watering hole, we probably told stories about the stories we heard the night before.

Sharing stories has always been our way to experience more connection, to learn not just about our experiences, but to experience the world through each other. Stories are bridges into the hearts of the other.

Stories have passed down generational knowledge, sometimes wisdom, sometimes superstition. But thankfully, stories are not stagnant and can evolve.

We are all story listeners and storytellers, interpreters of our experience, sitting around the communal fire. Only nowadays, the modern-day equivalent of the communal fire is probably Netflix.

As summer's long days head off to bed earlier, and summer's green goes out in a blaze of glorious browns, yellows, oranges, setting off the last fire before the gray of Vancouver winter, I think of how much (human) performers add to our lives, those storytellers of the fire.

And yet, when I ask clients what they do to destress and hear the sheepish confession-like admission, that goes something like: “Well, I'd like to get into (insert, yoga, meditation, gym…) but I usually watch some shows on (insert streaming of choice). I know. Is that bad?”

It’s like there's an underlying comparison trap: if we were better, more enlightened human beings, we'd be spending what free time we have engaged in the pursuit of higher consciousness.

But actors can help us connect to our own experiences, explore other possibilities, and extend our imagination. Stella Alder, one of the most beloved acting coaches of the 20th century, believed that acting was a noble profession; actors had the noble task of elevating our understanding of the human condition. And I agree.

I mean, how do we define what “productive” self-care is? If self care is about intentional practices that, in part, foster resilience against stress, why can’t watching a tv show, a film, going to a movie, a dance show or theatre event be considered a mental health practice? Who hasn't secretly been delighted on a rainy, gray Vancouver day by the comfort of the couch and the promise of an evening watching Battlestar Galactica again? Or felt some sense of connectedness, some sense of hope for humanity, after going out for a night of theatre or dance?

Stories, however they are presented, be it through the screen or the stage, help us imagine, idealize and fantasize, feel into another, empathize, and connect with each other. Watching a show at home or in a theatre can be a valid way to experience emotional catharsis through the story, to destress, and release some dopamine. Many of the folx I work with, would consider themselves on the introverted side, as I am myself. Socializing, although important for tending to relationships, is often exhausting for introverts. It’s can feel even more draining when going through depression. Sitting in the expectant darkness with other people, can offer a sense of togetherness when other social activities may feel too strenuous during low times. Cinema Therapy is an expressive arts therapy that uses carefully selected films or TV shows to support mental health aims. As a therapist, I may sometimes recommend movies or shows to clients to help them explore their own dilemmas, feelings, and values.

Exposure to the diversity of human experience builds our understanding and clarifies our values. I recently read an article in which Alex Haley, the author of the 1970s classic Roots, described still being thanked by people who were moved by his work. To all you storytellers, performers, actors, writers, dancers, singers, and content creators, know that you are part of a community of care, with the power to change minds and hearts.

The skills you use in your crafts, the ability to connect with your breath, explore your inner worlds, transcend the barriers of your own worldview, imagine, and express vulnerability, are sweet skills that can be applied to your own healing and well-being. In fact, as a therapist, I've often been surprised at how frequently my theatre training has been a valuable resource I utilize with clients. I frequently incorporate imaginal work, role play, breathing exercises, and gentle movement in my sessions. Know that you have value.

So as the cold night chills our bones and we huddle together for warmth…as we face our private and public battles and our hearts call out "tell me a story" like a child at bedtime, perhaps we can be kind to that yearning. Watch a show. Choose a movie. Check out a play. This desire is as ancient as instinct.

Lights, Camera…Exhaustion. Why am I so Tired When I Love What I Do?

Sally sat down heavily, taking her shoes off and yawning as she pulled her feet beneath her on the couch. She sighed deeply and rested her chin in her hand. “I don’t know why I’m so tired, but I just feel exhausted.”

The imaginary client above is a composite of many people working in film and television in BC who have come in describing a bone weariness that is both physical and mental. Fatigue is on the rise this summer. Maybe that’s not surprising, given longer daylight hours, increased social activity, production and auditions schedules. Sometimes a solid 8 hours of sleep helps, but often there’s more to it.

Here are 5 reasons you may be on the way to burnout—some of them may surprise you:

1. Minority Stress

For actors, crew, and other workers in the industry, navigating everyday workplace stress can be compounded by discrimination, stereotyping, or bias. The additional drain on mental and emotional energy required to push through these situations can leave you feeling tapped out. Performers may experience additional stress from trying to conform to racial, gender, or ethnic stereotypes to access opportunities. The interplay of work that often fosters rapid relationships can create the illusion that the set is a casual environment rather than a workplace. This can make it a vulnerable space for those in marginalized groups who may then experience more open biased assumptions, such as about intelligence, and microaggressions such as jokes based on stereotypes. These are just a few examples of how typecasting, biased assumptions, and microaggressions can create an additional burden on the nervous system. Resilience factors include having effective coping strategies, maintaining strong connections with peers or supportive communities, and fostering pride in your identity.

2. Lack of Enough Deep Sleep

According to the Sleep Foundation, aiming for 7–9 hours per night is important, but it’s equally important to consider the cycles of sleep. To allow the body and mind to fully rest and repair, we need 4–6 complete cycles that include deep, delta-wave sleep and REM sleep.

Deep sleep is essential for bodily recovery, immune system function, and nervous system balance. It quiets the amygdala—the brain’s threat detection center—and strengthens the “cable” to the prefrontal cortex—the brain’s wise, calm navigation center. Maintaining a regular bedtime that allows for those sleep cycles to progress is essential for restorative nervous system recovery. Long, variable hours on set can interfere with circadian rhythms and the ability to enter deep sleep cycles.

3. Being in the “Caretaker” Role

In the film and TV world, some people, either by nature or necessity, take on the caretaker role in their personal and professional lives. Whether it’s being the one caring for family members, the peacemaker, the one everyone vents to, or the one managing last-minute production crises, working weekends, or staying up late to help a friend work on a script.

Caring for others can be rewarding, but it becomes harmful when it’s difficult to separate your needs from the needs of others. Ask yourself:

• Do I feel totally responsible for someone else’s well-being or performance in work or life?

• Do I feel resentful of the time spent on others, or guilty when I focus on my own needs?

When personal life and sense of self are lost, even a strong desire to care for others can lead to exhaustion affecting both mental and physical health.

A survey conducted by Set Protect of 250 non-union film workers in 2022 found that 77% reported negative impacts on their mental health. These statistics underscore other concerns faced by those working in the industry.

4. Anticipatory Stress

Working in the film and television industry can be incredibly meaningful and exciting. However, the nature of the field often means living in a state of heightened nervous system activation—always alert for opportunities while never knowing when the next booking will come. The potential for chronic stress increases when there is insecurity about financial stability and future planning.

5. Social Evaluative Threat

When we feel that our performance—behind or in front of the camera—is constantly judged, it can activate the amygdala—the threat detection center in the brain—triggering the release of stress hormones. Those working in the entertainment industry may be especially vulnerable to social-evaluative threat, constantly “auditioning” for work. As human beings, we have a fundamental need for acceptance from our fellow human tribe members. That is part of the reason public speaking is still feared by about 75% of the population. It can feel as if we are baring our most intimate selves in front of a pack of wild animals. When presented with the possibility that some aspect of our social selves may be rejected or evaluated negatively, particularly after several auditions, let’s say, in which the casting director sat stony-faced while you’ve given an Academy Award-worthy performance, it can wear on the nervous system. Without effective coping strategies, such as the ability to reframe, self-compassion practices, and supportive relationships, the long-term effects can include nervous system dysregulation, characterized by hypo-arousal, increased fatigue, and emotional disassociation. For actors, this can make accessing a deeper breadth of feeling more difficult.

Those working in the film and television industry give so much to our cultural and social landscape, creating content that is a vital part of Canadian life. There are benefits unique to the industry, with many clients describing feeling fulfilled and stimulated by their work. For some, working in the industry is the culmination of a lifelong dream. However, just as there are benefits to every career field, there are also stressors unique to this industry. Even if you don’t think you’re doing much, there may be more to your work than you realize.

Stay tuned for Part Two, “From Set to Self-Care”.

Living in the City of Overwhelm

Welcome to the generation of Broke and Beat. Or at least it can feel like it at times. Vancouver is Canada’s most expensive city to live in and according to a Vancouver Sun article, published Nov. 8, 2023, has one of the lowest median incomes compared to 59 other comparable urban centers. Many Vancouverites live with a high degree of daily financial stress. Take that…and then add the typical pressures of daily life, from family responsibilities, potential health concerns, relationships, ecological fear, traffic, news of the world… and you have the perfect recipe for Overwhelm.

It can feel like way too much. And it is too much. Our stress levels are dictated by our system’s ability to manage the load placed on it. When that system can’t possibly meet those demands, we experience stress.

So what can do when, collectively and individually to prevent overwhelm?

Here are some ideas I have found to be both personally and professionally helpful:

Get to Know Your Window of Tolerance

The Window of Tolerance was developed by Dr. Dan Siegel and you can view an example here: Window of Tolerance.

Now, just to clarify, “tolerance” does not ever mean “tolerating” abusive behavior or situations that are damaging to your health. Tolerance here means being able to be on a crowded bus without losing it, riding through some boredom to study for a test, handle waiting in a long line at the grocery store…basically being able to manage minor daily irritations.

Your resilience is a rubber band that gets a bit stretched but bounces back, elasticity intact.

In this Window, we are at our most resilient. We are feeling grounded. We rock at being able to learn, grow, and relate to others fairly well. Our thinking is flexible, and we have the capacity for compassion and creativity. We are in the Zone of our Awesome Human Potential.

It’s like having a window that’s open to the world and all it has to offer.

There are a few tools similar to the Window of Tolerance. I just love the visuals and metaphor that this UK based practitioner, Yasmin Shaheen-Zaffar created. She likens our “Window of Tolerance” to a sandwich that’s either full of filling or has gotten squashed in our backpacks by stress. The kid in me just loves that image!

Another wonderful image for thinking about your window of tolerance is the River of Wellbeing.

I encourage you to see which of these visuals help you picture your window of tolerance. I like the term “Window of Capacity” and will use it going forward.

Social Determinants of Window of Capacity

There are practices you can engage in to take care of your nervous system, body, and mind that can be undertaken individually and often at no cost. Practices such as meditation, movement suitable and enjoyable to you, breathwork, spending time in nature, practicing affirmations, spending time with an animal or human companion… just to name a few.

However, access to financial resources, a sense of community, work that does not exploit, safety in private and public spaces, adequate housing, and environmental health require communal effort. They are essential to mental health and are endangered in an overly materialistic culture.

Find folks who are allied with you so that you know you are not alone. Support organizations like: Living Wage for Families and organizations that pay a living wage: List of Living Wage Employers in Vancouver. If you are coping with socio-political-bio stressors, you deserve the highest level of self love and communal mutual support.

Learn to become aware of your states of being. We are either in our Window of Capacity or entering into the zone of Hyper-Arousal or Hypo-Arousal.

Hyper-Arousal

This is the state in which we are experiencing “fight or flight” activation. We may be more vigilant for threats, feel anxious, angry or irritable.

Basically, more things are lions threatening our survival… from the absence of a compliment for our work, the turned back of a loved one to the incredible video of someone living the BEST LIFE EVER on social media.

Our sympathetic nervous system is getting loaded up, over-active, and is dominating how we see the world. We may feel more keyed up, agitated, and overwhelmed by even seemingly small situations. Our sympathetic nervous system tries to help us by preparing us to attack or run.

Hypo-arousal

This is the state in which we are experiencing “freeze” activation. We are still more vigilant for threats. But in this scenario, our nervous system tries to cope by inducing more detachment, exhaustion, collapse, and depressive feelings. Here again, more things are lions: from the ringing of that morning alarm, to the stack of bills to pay to the creative project calling to us.

Our para-sympathetic nervous system takes over to get us to freeze or withdraw from the activating stimulus.

How Can I Get Back Into My Window of Capacity?

1. Check in on your essential needs. When we are hungry, angry, lonely and tired we tend to be activated into one or both of these states. You can download this printable for H.A.L.T. here or so ask yourself the following questions:

• Are you feeling hungry?

• Are you feeling angry in any way?

• Are you craving connection?

• Are you feeling tired?

  If you answered, “yes” to any of these questions that’s a good indication to take care of that basic need first to help you get back into your Window of Capacity. 

2. When you’re feeling low, sad, or struggling with an issue, enlist the aid of a compassionate friend. Ask yourself, “What would a really kind, compassionate figure say to me right now?”

This can be a simple way to access ideas for moving back towards your Window of Capacity. You can do this anytime, anywhere. With this question, the mind can start to generate fresh insight when you are feeling stuck.   Here’s a visual that can help:

3. Finally, as best you can, live by the values that promote and protect your highest level of well-being physically, mentally, and socially.  “Healthy” as partially defined here by the World Health Organization means that: “ The enjoyment of the highest attainable standard of health is one of the fundamental rights of every human being without distinction of race, religion, political belief, economic or social condition.”

As best you can, protect the values that make your life feel good and right for you and those you love.

Ask yourself:

1. What are the three things you value most right now?  (For example, this could be time with family and friends, peace, financial security, creativity, travel, openness, security, adventure, compassion, fairness, equity, mutual respect, growth and learning, to name a few)

2. What might you say “no” to right now?

3. What might you say “yes’ to right now?

Remember, “no” is never rude, “no” just means “not obligated.”  You are never obligated to set aside your values to please another person or organization.   (And if it’s still hard, remember, you have the World Health Organization on your side.)

Preventing overwhelm in a city that is a breeding ground for financial stress requires both collective and individual effort. I hope you get some inspiration to learn about yourself to better care for the unique being you are.

The Long Tail of Childhood Trauma

I have not watched the Will Smith incident at the Oscars but I have heard enough about it to want to comment and hopefully use this moment to raise awareness about Adverse Childhood Experiences and Trauma.

It was such a terrible moment for so many reasons I won’t go into here, but I think this can be an opportunity for all of us to reflect on our own capacity for violence. However, for those who have experienced violence in what should be the safest place on earth, namely, home, those early experiences of terror can leave more than a physical mark. That mark is called “trauma”. As defined by the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH), “Trauma is the lasting emotional response that often results from living through a distressing event.” The key word here is “lasting.”

We can go through difficult experiences and not have lasting effects-with the right support, we can be resilient to life’s challenges if our hearts and our bodies are attended to and offered healing.

Potentially traumatic events are situations in which a person experiences intense fear and helplessness that usually, but not always, involve physical threat to self or to another person.

When a child experiences terror in the home, by witnessing a parent go after another parent, or when a child is physically hit or threatened by a caregiver, the emotional viral load placed on the child increases tenfold. That action exponentially increases the risk for that child grow up with anxiety, depression, PTSD, heart disease, time in jail, smoking and other drug use, difficulty in getting along with others and/ or difficulty regulating emotions.

Will Smith has been open about his own story of seeing his father hit his mother and feeling the need to protect her. I believe that he unconsciously projected those psychological dynamics onto the interaction with Chris Rock. A male going after a woman he loves, triggering his need to protect. His executive functioning was overtaken by the “flight, fight, or freeze” system and he acted without thinking. Clearly not the right thing to do. But how many of us have grown up with a cultural story that normalizes the use of “corporal punishment? “ Yes, I got hit. But you know how____________parents are.” How many of us have grown up being taught that, yes, violence is bad and we should never use violence to solve problems…unless…

Our propensity to respond physically to what we identify as a threat to our organism is built into our genetic code. It takes work for a person with the most nurturing, stable background to respond appropriately to difficulties, managing each perceived threat to person or reputation through balanced analysis.

But when a child experiences violence in the home, they will need even more support in learning to how to categorize threat levels because their Window of Tolerance may have been negatively impacted. The reptilian part of our brain says it’s better to treat everything like a threat because you’re more likely to survive. This ancient part of our brain is great for surviving in the savannas, not so great for handling the multiple, nuanced situations modern humans deal with daily.

If you’d like to learn more about the Window of Tolerance, you can click here. Basically, when we are handling life pretty well, we can return to a state of calm and alertness relatively easily. Boss gets mad, we get upset, we figure out a solution, we feel better. Traffic is heavy, we feel frustrated, we turn on music, we feel better.

But it’s a lot harder for a child who has experienced violence in the home to get to that state of feeling better. If they had their feelings minimized, and/ or the cause of the violence in the home was left un-addressed, normalized, or even out right denied, it can leave that child in a state of a sustained alertness to potential threats. If you can’t trust your caregivers, how can you possibly trust anything or anyone out there not to be out to get you? So the boss acting funky is more threatening, traffic is more personal, the sidelong glance of your partner, all can be more likely to activate the fight, flight, or freeze response in a person who still carries unresolved trauma.

For the millions of people of all backgrounds, like Will Smith and so many others who have experienced violence as a child, there is hope and healing. Beyond discipline and commitment to a life of non-violence, people need to be able to talk about abuse, be it one incidence or many, to a safe and brave enough adult willing to listen.

People need to know that they are not alone, that millions of wonderful people have experienced at least one physically threatening incidence in their home. If you want to learn more, you can look up the Adverse Childhood Experiences questionnaire (ACE) here.

People need to know that is vital to work through their feelings and learn skills in emotional regulation that were not modelled in the home. Working through feelings might be writing a journal about what it was like for that child and how you as the adult version of that child, will give yourself the love, the tools, and emotional support that you did not get then. You might need to clearly state that what happened was wrong and not your fault.

Working on emotional regulation skills might be building in a radical daily self care routine, such as yoga, meditation or other spiritual practice. The benefit of a daily self care routine, particularly for those who are experiencing trauma, is that you develop a methodology for returning to a state of Calm Alertness. This is your birthright, the homoeostasis you deserve to experience, feeling safe, vibrant, able to access the highest levels of your thinking and creativity.

It might mean lifestyle choices, such as dedicated sleep time of 8 to 9 hours and regular time with loving, supportive people talking about things that matter to you.

It might mean working on forgiveness for caregivers who did not know better, if that feels right for you. But don’t feel pressured to rush into forgiveness, until and if you feel ready. And remember, forgiveness is never about forgetting or reprieving others of their response-abilty. it’s about freeing yourself of the additional emotional burden of rage and giving yourself peace, when and if you are ready.

I am sad about what happened at the Oscars. But I am hopeful that if you are reading this, you will be inspired to attend to your own emotional need for healing and perhaps share this article with a friend or family member who may benefit.

Wishing us all inner peace, wishing us all the experience of safety.

Maedean Yvonne Myers, RCC, CCC, RYT

Mindfulness for Today's Times

I recently had the opportunity to take part in a weeklong Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy training through a collaboration between the Harvard Medical School and Center for Mindfulness Studies. It was an incredible learning experience that made me fall in love again with mindfulness practices. Let’s face it, life can be full of challenges…health issues, difficult relationships, managing work and personal life, experiencing grief and loss. Living means engaging and experiencing, existing within constantly changing circumstances and trying to find some fulfillment while doing it. As a friend reminded me, “We all got babies crying” metaphorically and/or literally.

We can’t avoid suffering. But we can make meaning and move through suffering, knowing that it is not all there is. There is also the joy of reconciliation with a loved one, learning to speak up when the habit has been to stay quiet, finding a better, healthier way of handling stress… rather than turning to the thing or person that only hurts us in the long run.

As I sat in some of the practices, breathing deeply and slowly, allowing myself to notice what was happening for me, I felt my frustration mounting as I mentally and emotionally returned to a difficult situation. A common experience reported by many folks. My mind kept gnawing at the edges of the situation, playing out scenes, working through potential solutions, playing out snatches of dialogue… This was not the relaxing experience I was hoping it would be. I did recall at this point, that mindfulness is not necessarily about relaxing into a state of blissfulness, but actually breaking out of automatic and fully acknowledging what is actually going on.

So I acknowledged that this is where my mind was. I watched the thoughts, the scenes. I acknowledged the pain and hope I felt. I realized I needed to take some constructive action so that there would be space cleared within myself. Without going into detail, I took constructive action. The next class, I noticed my mind was less occupied, my body felt more at ease, and I found it easier to concentrate.

And that’s why I want to encourage you to build mindfulness practices into your day: we need to stop long enough to acknowledge where we are to decide where we want to go. Otherwise, we may find ourselves running into a wall, over and over again, feeling stuck, having the same experience.

Here’s how to practice mindfulness now:

1. Blow out all your air, then take in a deep breath imagining the breath going into your belly, then exhale out fully.

2. Check-in with yourself and ask these questions:

   1. What are you thinking about? (what’s been on your mind? what’s pulling on your attention? what are you trying not to think about?)

   2. How does your body feel? (do your shoulders feel tight or relaxed? Is your neck straining in any way? How are your feet feeling? Are you feeling tired or awake? Hungry or satiated? Is your mouth dry or moist?)

   3. What flavor of feelings are you experiencing? (Happy? Angry? Scared? Sad)

   3. Now take another deep breath in and ouuuuuuuut…..And ask yourself, “What’s the most compassionate thing I can for myself and others acknowledging what is present?”

Mindfulness to me as a therapist, is not about teaching clients to ignore the past, passively accept difficulty, or live without awareness for the sake of a pseudo-harmonious existence. To me, practicing mindfulness is a muscular activity that is about learning to keep returning to what is alive and real moment to moment to make more constructive and compassionate choices going forward. What a workout.

If you want to learn more, please let me know in our sessions. In the meantime, wishing you the power of the fullness of your mind!

Self Care for Black and Brown Folks in Vancouver

I am a cis-gendered female bodied, hetero-sexual, Black and bi-racial American citizen, Canadian permanent resident with connection to African-American heritage and German-Caucasian heritage. I live on colonized lands forcibly taken from brown people.

The recent news of the murder of George Floyd, the incident in Central Park, and protests throughout the US, Hong Kong, and here in Canada, have many folks well shook, myself included. As a therapist, I am aware that I need to be emotionally, physically, psychologically present to meet my clients where they are at in their life challenges. I regularly engage in active self care to ensure that I am ready to support the individuals I work with, from running, meditating, dancing, doing martial arts, connecting to family and friends, resting, reading…these self care practices are essential to my mental health.

However, recent events have reminded me of the intimate connection between feelings of well-being and our social-political environments. Sometimes self care is not enough. Our mental and emotional well-being is undeniably impacted by what’s happening in our communities. We may find our sense of moral outrage evoked, but feel like there’s no healthy way to direct it. Black and brown people might wish their white friends/partners and/ or family members would reach out and just ask them how they’re doing. White people might be feeling horrified by the murder of George Floyd, but feel unsure how to show their support for their black/brown friends /partners or family members. All of us might be re-examining how to actively engage in movements that support the eradication of anti-Black racism and by extension, freedom, equality, safety, and justice for all persons.

As I was writing this self care article, I find that the challenge I feel within myself is the wish to promote healthy, happy living alongside the dawning recognition that sometimes being uncomfortable is healthy. Here are a few rough points I’d like to offer in possibly finding some healthy ways to cope with being uncomfortable in these difficult times:

1. Strong emotions left to simmer can lead to feeling more frustration and stress. Taking even a small positive action can have big results in terms of your mental health. Support a group with your time or a small donation such as Black Lives Matter.

2. Remind yourself that if you are feeling sad and angry, these are feelings telling you that are probably a compassionate, caring, living and breathing human being connected to other human beings. These are normal feelings to have right now. Rather than trying to talk yourself out of these feelings, how can you use these feelings to guide caring action for yourself and others?

3. Connect with other people. Sometimes we need to be with people who have an understanding of the insidious way racism works in our current capitalist system. It is arguably, social conditioning not character that leads to this life and liberty destroying bias. Talk to your friends, your family about how you feel and what you hope for. Be willing perhaps to express your feelings and experiences, if it feels safe to do so.

4. There are many ways in which our choices can influence a pattern of racism and oppression or a pattern of warm equality and dignified democracy. As an increasingly aware civilization, I wonder if we are more anxious about the myriad of daily decisions that can affect the air we need to breath, as well as each living persons right to a life free of misuse. I increasingly struggle with how my buying decisions impact people’s lives. I certainly don’t have the answers, but as the philosopher, Socrates stated, “the unexamined life is not worth living.” How can you make your dollars count? What stores do you feel good about shopping in? What organizations do you want to give your money to?

Sometimes there is an idea that Canadians are free of racism in contrast to Americans. I have been called the “n” word three times here in Vancouver. I lived in Virginia for several years, attending high school and university there without ever having that experience. I hope we can continue to find ways to create communities in which we feel loved, safe, and embraced in our diversity.

How do I deal with feelings of failure?

Failure. It’s a flat feeling word associated with a sense of defeat, deficiency, and doom. We experience failures in small ways…we burn that grilled cheese sandwich we were looking forward to. We forget a friend’s birthday, lose our keys, get a ticket when we can least afford an unexpected expense. We experience failures in big ways, the loss of something we’d hoped for, a relationship lasting, a job getting better… we break a promise to ourselves. Sometimes there is no one event that triggers a sense of failure. Instead we experience a pervasive sense that we are just not going to have success in life.

There are times in our lives when we are unable to achieve what we’d hoped despite our best efforts, when it’s all we can do keep the tears from rolling down in utter frustration.

What balm can be applied when failure can feel like the deepest cut? If you are struggling with failure today, my heart goes out to you. Here are some ideas that I hope bring you some comfort:

1. Breath. If you are having a level 10 meltdown day and it’s all you can do to get out of bed. Just breath. Observe your breath bringing life giving oxygen in and exhaling out life giving carbon dioxide that nourishes green and growing things. If nothing else for today, you can still be a part of the ecosystem of life.

2. Think of someone who loves you, someone you feel safe with, who you feel has your best interests at heart, a friend, a relative, a lover, a teacher, or coach. If you are feeling stuck, think of a role model, an inspirational actor you admire, a religious figure you respect, or an ancestor. Imagine what they would say to you. How would they be with you? What words of encouragement would they use?

3. In your circumstances, what is the most ethical, compassionate baby step you can take toward corrective action? Feelings of helplessness feed failure. Resist and remember your abilities and your values. Is an apology in order? Is the apology to yourself or another? Have you been breaking promises to yourself because you’ve been pushing yourself too hard?

I hope you find some solace in these ideas. I will end with this quote by Norman Fischer, Buddhist Teacher,
”It’s hard being a human being. There’s a lot to it. There really is. So I want to say, in conclusion, let’s all agree to accept the reality that we are not going to be able to do a very good job of this. There’s too much to do.”

Self Care for Women of Color

I have not posted in quite some time. I realized today that part of what was keeping me from posting was the pressure I was putting on myself to write the “perfect” post. And yet, writing for me is an essential part of my self care. Putting my thoughts down, supporting others, is my way of caring for myself. Writing helps me organize my thoughts, and writing for my blog, I am often hopeful that my words will in one some way brighten someone’s day by offering a sense of connection and useful ideas for living a fuller, richer life.

So this will be an un perfect post. I have given myself 20 minutes to share some of my ideas to inspire and encourage you to find ways to simply and actively care for your self in the midst of all the challenges life throws your way.

Take time to enjoy nature. As I sit here, I see the green trees dripping with rainwater. If you live in Vancouver, this is an easy act of self caring. To simply stop and enjoy the natural splendor that peeks through alley ways.

Ease up on yourself. You may feel the call to support your community, family, friends, you may be involved in social justice activities. Advocating for equality, healthy environments, loving acceptance of all peoples can be noble work. It can also re-open wounds when you experience micro-aggressions, rejection, and prejudice. Know that you are a human being with both resilience and limitations. Know your limit. How do you know your limit? That’s individual. Maybe it’s deciding that when you are losing sleep, feeling that churning in your stomach, feeling tearful…whatever sign you, you decide means to Stop and Reassess. Your health and wellbeing matter! Remind yourself of your worthiness, your dignity, your inner beauty, take time to honor your body’s need for rest, nourishing food, pleasure, warmth, and movement.

Take time to honor your mind’s need for rest, for nourishing ideas, wholesome imaginings, and playful exploration. If your mind feels consumed with thoughts of worry, anger, fear ask yourself what yourself what your mind needs to be at ease in the midst of living life.

Take time to honor your heart’s need for love, connection, for the experience of caring by others, to express it’s vulnerability. If you feel heartbroken by what’s going on in the world, your community, your family, what acts restore your heart to feeling whole again? Talking to a loved one? Asking for a hug?

My twenty minutes is up. I hope you found some ideas here to support you today. Take good care of yourself,

Maedean

For Folks Going through a Break up on Valentine's...

Your heart is breaking. The worst has happened, your partner has left, and you’re wondering how in the hell you are going to pick up the pieces of your life.  You’re exhausted from crying so much, overwhelmed by how to plan for the day, let alone anything beyond the next 24 hours, and crushed by loneliness.   A million questions may be racing through your mind, “How did this happen? Is this really the end?  What did I do wrong? How can I make it right?”

 A breakup can feel like a wrecking ball has just swung through the foundation of your life. So what the hell do you do now? Especially around Valentine’s Day.

1. Fight for the love of your life-YOU.   You are going to go through days that will test all of your faith, strength, and courage.  You will go through valleys of utter despair and surprising peaks of exhilaration.   Don’t panic as you cycle through various stages of grief, from denial, anger, acceptance, bargaining and sadness.  This is a natural pattern as old as time itself. Countless folks throughout history have suffered for love and discovered a deeper capacity for healing, joy, self confidence, and personal power.   Fight for the love or your life, fight for yourself, and ask yourself the following questions now:

A.  Who are my friends?  How can I strengthen those relationships right now? How can I ask for support suitable to each of my friend’s strengths?  Remember, not every friend is going to be a “cry on my shoulder” kind of friend, but might be a friend who’s good at trying a dance class. 

B. What are my interests?  How can I tap back into some of the interests that reflect the deepest yearnings of my essential self?

C. How have I gotten through tough times in the past without engaging in self destructive behaviors?  What beliefs, activities, acts of creativity, books, organizations, people, places have helped me see the light in dark times?

D. How can I practice kindness for myself?   Yes, this is a tough one.  Kindness for yourself might mean letting go of the need to try figure out the solutions to the problems in your relationship.  Sometimes you need to take a mental break allowing time to evolve and work it’s healing on you.  

2.  Have faith.  That’s right.  Have faith.  You are not going to have all the answers and neither will your loved one.  Have faith that by nourishing yourself in this time, regardless of what your loved one chooses to do, will have long term benefits.  Learning to take care of yourself with love, compassion, and integrity will not only improve your relationship should you decide to renew your partnership, the work you do will also nourish a source of love that comes from the one person who will be with you forever: you.

3. Do something crazy.  Okay, before you go out and party like a rockstar, let me rephrase that.  Do something that is morally responsible, ethical, noble, and legal.  But fun. Dye a strand of your hair blue.  Go somewhere new.  Learn to dance the tango.  Perform at an open mic night. Sponsor a child.  Nothing is more exciting than an interesting person, so be interesting to yourself. 

Finally, I want to take a moment to acknowledge that if you were in a relationship that was abusive, seek professional support to help you navigate the complexity of what you might be feeling. 

 If you would like more support on thriving during a breakup, separation or divorce, you can find my book “Healing Heartbreak: A Guidebook for Women” here on Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Heartbreak-Guidebook-Women-Reflections-ebook/dp/B07H4VFKWT

Wishing you lots of love for your precious self!

Weathering the Storms in Your Life

“When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.” 
― Audre Lorde

You know it’s coming. The day you speak your truth to someone who’s hurt you or who you’ve hurt. The day you leave your job because you just can’t do it another day. The day you recognize an addictive behavior and the need for support. The day you realize that you risk rejection by sharing more of who you really are but you just can’t hide anymore.

So many of us are plagued with anxiety when we anticipate a storm just beyond the horizon. We get afraid of being creative because perhaps along the way we’ve been programmed to believe that writing a poem, dancing a dance, or telling a joke are not a productive use of time.

We get afraid of leaving that job, finding a profession that’s more aligned with our values because of our fear of disappointing others. And the bottom line is, few can afford to pick up and go in hopes of discovering that perfect fit.

We get afraid of telling a friend that racist, homophobic jokes are not okay and are in fact, hurtful. We get afraid that the backlash, being labelled as overly sensitive, will make us feel the shame of rejection.

We get afraid of telling our partners what we hope for, what we want and need, afraid to risk that relationship.

We are afraid to change, afraid to confront, afraid to make a move…We are afraid we will lose, friends, a way that others are used to seeing us, money, reputation, community… And most importantly, perhaps on some deep level we are afraid that if we make the “wrong” choice the ensuing storm will be catastrophic.

I am here in Raleigh, North Carolina and for the past couple days we have been preparing for an everchanging storm. I’m sitting in my parents’ living room, half listening to the news.

A common thread among the clients I work with is a fear of making change or a different choice. Often what comes up is an intense anxiety of what the consequences will be. What storm will I face as a result of doing this thing differently?

As we’ve been preparing for this storm, I’ve thought about how I might support folks in doing their planning for those stormy moments in life.

So here it is:

1. Get clear on what is most important to you. Not sure? If you are feeling like absolute crap at your job/relationship/environment identify what is that you don’t like.

2. Get clear on what is most important to you. Not sure? Here, notice what moments bring in fulfillment, a sense of satisfaction, perhaps even a tickle of joy. Identify what it is you like.

3. Make a decision based on what’s most important to you and your life. Aim high. If you aim to co-create relationships built on warmth and closeness, remind yourself of that when you are tempted to isolate. Aim high and decide.

4. Explore your options for exercising your decision. Today we shopped for flashlights but they were all sold out. So my options were LED candles. I got those. We may have few options or several. Explore them. What are the pros and cons of each? What does your heart say? Your mind? How does each option feel in your gut?

5. Execute your plan. Plan what you will do and how you will do it. Get into a buddy system. Who are the folks that will support as you do this really difficult thing? What do you need to do to take of yourself as you do this thing?

   For example, as we’ve been preparing for the storm, we’ve loaded up with water, batteries, food, playing cards. What do you need to prepare? What objects, words, reminders of your worth, life goals, whatever it is, what do you need to do to prepare for whatever storm may come as a result of your change?

At the end of the day, you may be surprised to find that the storm is not as bad as you imagined.

Freaked Out and Falling Behind: Top 5 Tips for Liberal Arts Students

“Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.” 
― Shel Silverstein

University can be a symbol of hope for the future, a chance at a better life, the possibility of realizing a dream. But it can also be a time of anxiety, debt, and potential family conflict. Particularly, if you have chosen a career in the arts and humanities.

There can be so much emotion as you go through the highs and lows of college life. You may start to feel anxious nearing graduation, realizing your career path may not be as clearly laid out as those of some your non-”artsy” classmates. In Canada the average debt load for college students is over $20,000. Caregivers or parents might express fears about how a career in the arts will look like in the “real world”, leaving you feeling pressure to know all the answers before you’ve even left school. As the end of school looms, you may find your idealism shifting into cynicism.

If you are struggling with any of these issues, keeping yourself grounded and focused on building your dream, can help manage some of the existential anxiety that comes from choosing “the road less travelled.”

Here are 5 survival tips to get you through University:

1. Develop a non-negotiable self care routine. A useful self care plan incorporates activities and practices that help you be at your best. Your daily routine might include specific hours of rest, reminding yourself to eat healthy nourishing foods, engaging in movement that you actually like doing, and time to connect meaningfully with others. Your caring for self routine should work for you, not someone else. If you need 9 hours of sleep, and your favourite movement is the lindyhop-then do it.

2. Practice assertive communication with self and others. University is a great time to build your assertiveness muscle. So practice listening to yourself and expressing what you want. Remember, it never hurts to ask for what you want respectfully. Where do you want to go? What do you want to do? Be honest with yourself about what you really want and practice not using “that’s fine” or “okay” as your go-to answer.

3. Connect-socialize with others, within reason. If you have gravitated towards the arts or humanities, you may find you crave deep, meaningful conversation with people in your life. Your hunger to learn, your creativity, and your curiosity about life are very possibly what led to pursue your passion in the first place. So don’t be afraid to make space for deeper conversations with friends. Stay up late every once in while, sit in a cafe for hours, and engage in dialogue that sparks you up.

4. Stop comparing yourself to others. Really. Just stop. Each of you are on your own unique journey to self-hood. Embrace your uniqueness, your strengths, your sweetly human flaws, your vision, the heartbreaking moments in your life as well as the triumphs. Imagine being a snowflake and comparing yourself to another snowflake. There is a kind of absurdity to the exercise, because each is a completely distinctive creation of nature. As are you.

5. Practice encouraging versus discouraging self talk. All of us have an inner running commentary that can either give us the courage to move forward or take away our courage.  (you might notice something like this:  inner critic )

When you notice yourself feeling down, performance anxiety blocking you, or feeling stressed out, ask yourself what you were thinking. Was the self talk playing a “you can’t do this, if you fail then (fill in the blank), you will never find/be able to (fill in the blank), what’s wrong with you, why can’t you just (fill in the blank) loop.

When you notice this critical commentary, be kind to yourself, then try saying to yourself, “maybe you can do this, if you fail you will learn something new, you might be able to (fill in the blank) if you try, what’s right with you, what will help you get through this.”

You are allowed to make mistakes, and learn, and grow. As you develop your craft and your artistic vision, keep nourishing yourself.

What to do when Anxiety has you feeling lonely....

Ever feel like you are trying to deal/cope/fix everything on your own while facing resistance/pushback/reluctance at every turn?

Ever feel like you are trying to take care of loved ones, while trying to take care of yourself,  while trying not to disappoint anyone else? Ever? really, ever. 

Anxiety loves to hang out with Isolation.  Together they can gang up on you and leave you convinced that you need to have all the answers to the problems of living.   Anxiety may convince you that most, if not all decisions you may make,  will  bear catastrophic consequences.  For example, 

Anxiety says, "that conversation with your friend/loved one/boss is going to end that relationship/job." 

Anxiety says, "if you are not perfect at this presentation/audition/date/job/dance you will burn in the fire of complete humiliation."  

Anxiety says, "if people really knew you, they couldn't love you"  

Anxiety chain smokes fear and gnaws it's sweaty nails, terrified that anything you attempt outside of your comfort zone... is too scary to risk.  It promises that if you fail, you will have to experience the most painful of emotions: shame.  

Shame, like all feelings is a " thought plus a physical sensation" (Mindful Living retreat, 2017).  But it is a primal, inchoate emotion evoking our deepest fears of rejection by our tribes.  

Anxiety is the umbilical cord to our most painful core beliefs.  Those beliefs are simply deeply held fear based opinions meant to keep us safe.  But they are just opinions.   

So how do we re-encourage ourselves when Anxiety has dramatically grabbed hold of our legs and begged us not to walk out that door?  How do we find the voice to speak when our own voices crack and tremble?

The other day I was watching an interview with Oprah   who spoke of getting strength from her  10,000 referring to a sentiment in maya angelou's poem "our grandmothers".  

Watching Oprah’s interview and later her  speech I could not help but notice that I felt renewed.   It made me think of all the amazing women throughout history who  laid the foundation for myself and others to be able to keep moving towards their dreams.  

Each day we  have an opportunity to take one small step towards overcoming Anxiety so that we can sing that song, have that conversation, change that behavior, make that career move...knowing that we are not alone in our struggles. We can find comfort in  connecting to the stories of others.  In restoring our inspiration we can find the courage to continue in our own journeys to greater love and fulfillment.  

Here are some women folk you may find some inspiration from:

• Nina Simone: singer, social activist 

• Barbara Walters: television journalist 

• Octavia Butler: science fiction writer

• Oprah Winfrey: talk show host

• hildegard von bingen: medieval mystic

• Janet Mock: social activist 

• Marie Curie: (scientist) 

• Marlene Dietrich: actress, style icon

• hilary clinton: politician

• Erica Jong: writer 

• eve ensler: activist, performer 

• DR. CLARISSA PINKOLA ESTÉS: author of "women who run with wolves"

• Corazon Aquino:  president of the Philipines  

• Elizabeth Fischer-Vancouver punk artist, assisted humane death advocate

• Solitude-caribbean Freedom Fighter 

• Bell hooks-feminist writer 

• laurie anderson-awesome performance artist

• angela davis-activist, philosopher

• martha graham-visionary dancer choreographer

• Malala yousafza-nominated for noble peace prize 2013

• kasturba ghandhi-wife, mother, activist

• Cristina fernandez de kirchner-president of argentina

• tomoe gozen-samurai

• pema chodron-buddhist nun and teacher

• wilma rudolph-athlete writer

• joan of arc-french revolutionary and saint

• mother theresa-activist missionary

• anne frank-biographer

• Gorgo of Sparta-spartan leader

• Dr. maya angelou-poet

• Mae C Jamison-astronaut, scientist

• Angela merkel-chancellor germany

• Arundhati roy-novelist, political activist-wrote "god of small things"

Welcome. Welcomed. Welcoming.

"The soul should always stand ajar, ready to welcome the ecstatic experience" Emily Dickinson 

Welcome.  Welcomed.  Welcoming.

When you hear these words, what do they invoke?  How often do you stop and welcome your experience as is?    

One day, I was having a picnic lunch with a friend when we started to get tortured by a wasp.  We waved our hands frantically, cut up some paper plates to shoo it away, and yelled at it every time it came close.  As you can imagine, this only made the situation worse.   Soon we went from one wasp to 4 or 5 buzzing around aggressively.  It's only when we decided to "welcome" our unwanted waspy guests by placing a piece of meat in a container slightly away from us, that the wasps stopped being an irritant.       

When in the grip of a panic attack, some overwhelming worry, or anxiety, we may try to fight what our experience actually is.   In your head, this  sounds like, "I really shouldn't feel this way, I just need to to get it over it." or "I am a terrible person for feeling....".  It's as if by allowing ourselves to acknowledge our feelings, we risk increasing the suffering...afraid to perhaps to sit in the vulnerability of human limits. 

It's a kind of magical thinking, as if by observation we had the power to increase what was being observed.  Like observing your bowl of oatmeal and imagining in so doing, you could add more oatmeal to it.  And so we sometimes are with our feelings-if I am experiencing Sadness and I observe this feeling of Sadness, sit with it, befriend it in some way, I'll just make it worse.  Better to keep working or watching tv.  (which is also sometimes just we need to do).

We would rather eat a bowl of cherries then a bowl of pits.   We are often afraid of feelings that we see as negative, anger, sadness, grief...after all, what if we get pulled down into their pitty vortex?   As we grow up, we are taught more and more to quash our true feelings in order to fit in at home and at school. After all feelings take time, to experience, integrate into decision making, and communicate effectively to important people in our lives.  Sounds like  a lot of work.  yikes. 

You can practice opening your heart and increasing your capacity to make a space for even difficult emotions.  Mind them.  It's okay to say to yourself, oh, the way I am interacting with this situation/person is invoking some sadness,or frustration, or whatever... You have an initial response that in many ways beyond your control, an automatic physiological response.  It's just what happens.  You are allowed to feel your feelings.  The Anger, the Joy, the Lust,  the Sadness,  the Fear.  It sounds counter-intuitive, like a kind of crazy talk to say you should welcome even the nasty, scary feelings,  observing them, making a place for them. 

But what if you could welcome all your feelings, simply noticing, being curious and making an informed choice from your new found knowledge?  What would the words "Welcome. Welcoming. Welcomed" invite into your daily experience? 

A Book Review: The Courage to Be Yourself

Book Review

The Courage to Be Yourself: A Woman’s Guide to Growing Beyond Emotional Dependence

By Sue Patton Thoele; published by Conari Press

I am a bit addicted to self-help texts of the seventies to nineties, and am often fascinated by seeing which ideas fall away with time and which ideas stick.    I was on cloud nine when I uncovered a gold mine of old self-help books at a Unitarian Universalist book sale.   The version of Thoele’s book I found was published in 1991. Since then there have been several updated versions.  This is one book I often find myself suggesting to clients and referring to in my own life.

It acknowledges the social factors that have led many women to learn to suppress their own needs in service to others. One may argue whether women do face extra pressure to conform and think more relationally.  What I personally believe is inarguable,  is that all women ( and really anyone)  could benefit from learning to leave relationships if they are destructive, develop greater self compassion, and the courage to be assertive when needed.   For my generation of those born in the seventies, these social factors still have an impact on how we navigate our needs and the needs of others. Although this book is directed at women, I think it will benefit really anyone who experiences insecurity. 

In “The Courage to Be Yourself,” Sue Patton Thoele’s message is clear: Women can learn to develop the emotional maturity to accept and assert themselves. Her book suggests that crafting emotional maturity is about “making decisions based on what is right for us rather than on what we fear.” Rather than deciding not speak up at a meeting because we are afraid of feeling uncomfortable or not taking that art class because we are afraid we won't have the time, she encourages making empowered choices based on what we know will nourish our hearts. 

Many women receive strong social reinforcement for acting out roles as caretakers, supporters, and cheerleaders. Therefore, women may find they have valuable skills in these arenas. However, many women receive weak social reinforcement for acting out roles as independent thinkers, self-nurturers, and leaders.

In order to increase a woman’s emotional independence,  Thoele’s book provides exercises and reflections to actually practice the language and skills of greater emotional independence.  

“The Courage to Be Yourself” focuses on the process of maturation required to be yourself; this includes the need to understand that each person has limits. In an age of seemingly endless pressure to be all you can be, coupled with the rise of the entrepreneur mythology of endless energy, goal-setting, and solo achievement, I found this idea particularly sobering but freeing.

Women are encouraged to consider and honor their own limits in terms of work, relationships, and other commitments. In addition, women are encouraged to consider how much their fear of rejection or social disconnection may hinder their ability to express themselves, asking, “Do you perceive rejection as life-threatening?” Finally, Thoele encourages a deeply compassionate relationship with responsibility; she states, “When we become response-able – that is when we learn to choose our responses freely and consciously – we are free to build a life of continued growth and increasing happiness.”

The overarching essential gift that I received from this book was the tough and tender message that it truly is a deliberate exercise in courage to be yourself.   Here are the three main messages I took from this book:

1. How you habitually talk to yourself can strip you of courage or encourage you to make “creative choices” based on your unique preferences, goals and wishes.

2. How you habitually relate to others can have you hiding in a corner and saying “yes” to everything (and everyone) who comes along, or have you coming from an empowered internal foundation in which you recognize that you can choose your responses to circumstances and have a right to select what you agree or do not agree to.

3. The courage to be yourself can be learned, through concentrated effort and healing of old wounds, coupled with a willingness to bear the possible discomfort of others as you grow. The pain and discomfort of growth and the flexing of your courage muscles can be born with encouraging fortifying doses of compassionate self-talk.

I recommend this book for any anyone who has ever struggled with developing healthy interdependency – so pretty much everyone, I suspect. This book provides a way to language a difficult process of being able to balance the need for connection with the response-ability to listen to one’s own wants and needs. 

I found this book highly readable; engaging thanks to some of the personal disclosure by the writer; and informative for its practical exercises to help women learn self-awareness, compassionate self-talk, and constructive communication skills. “The Courage to Be Yourself” is a useful book that I believe, in its continuing revisions, will inspire folks of all ages for generations to come.

You can find her book at www.amazon.ca.  

Radical Rebellion...turning towards love

Well there's a rose in the fisted glove
And the eagle flies with the dove
And if you can't be with the one you love honey
Love the one you're with, Love the one you're with,
Love the one you're with, Love the one you're with.

Crosby, Stills, and Nash

It's the day after Valentine's Day.  Whether this brought feelings of loneliness or feelings of connection, celebrating love does not just need to happen on one day.  I recently had a conversation with a friend-we were remarking on how easy it can be to focus on the lacks in our lives;  in particular how tempting it is to focus on one kind of love as the primary source of self worth, meaning,  and satisfaction.  

We imagine romantic love as the love that will heal our wounds, end our isolation, and blanket us in the warmth of ceaseless security.   We sometimes see only the lack of a particular kind of love, ie: romantic love, focusing on it and blocking out the flow of other sources of love.  It's almost as if we are out on a hot day and we are offered cool lemonade, ice cream, a pool..but refuse because we all we can think about is how much we love to have our favorite gelato.  A bit of a silly analogy...but I am having a "free to be imperfect in my writing" day.  

There are many kinds of love relationships...  whether you identify as gay, straight, bi, poly,curious, asexual, trans, non-binary, agender, +++, you are infinitely worthy of love and always in its flow.   With Trump in power, I have recently felt disheartened (discouraged heart) at his racist, homophobic, patriarchal practices and attempts to shift public policy.   I myself have been struggling with how to rebel against the oppressive practices he represents to me.  

I am wondering if I can have a rebellion that begins with heart, with turning towards love.  If you are feeling discouraged and alone, do you have a family member who loves you?  A friend you love?  Do you have a passion for trees, beekeeping, math-something that you would love to spend all day doing?  A pet you love?  A love, a passion that drives out dis-couragement?  Do you love nature?  The ocean?  Can you radically love yourself?  What if you could be willing to try? What if you gifted yourself a day in which you decide you will radically love and accept yourself exactly...as...you...are... now...what if you rebelled against the voices of our culture, society, families,  that would try to convince you that you don't quite measure up.  What if you turned towards love today?  What would you do when you finished reading this blog?:)

4 Ideas for a Happy, Healthy Halloween (reprinted from World of Psychology)

Merriam Webster’s online dictionary defines the word “ mask” as both “something that serves to conceal or disguise” and something that is a “protective covering for the face.”

Human beings are the ultimate improvisers. The masks we wear allow us the flexibility to adapt to the myriad improvisations we find ourselves engaged in on a daily basis. From the drive to work, dinner with family, conversations with friends… we literally have no idea what’s going to happen next. Therefore, having this amazing ability for response-ability is relatively useful for successful living, at least in my perspective.

When we can break from rigid conceptions of ourselves and others, for example, “me Republican” versus “ me Democrat”, we can embrace the complexity of what is to be human. Rather than being trapped by a static notion of what we can do and be, each day we have the possibility to make a fresh choice. A choice more aligned with what we hope to express and share.

For example, in an argument with a loved one, we can call on our inner resources of patience, desire for harmony, and willingness to compromise. We can decide to move from a place of polarity to a place of yielding. Yes, ten minutes ago, perhaps our faces were contorted in a mask of anger, trying to hide our hurt. The mask of anger can be “protective” at times. However, it is often useful to remove the mask of anger, to reveal the part of ourselves that is tender; and simply be with our own suffering compassionately rather than lashing out through anger’s mask.

In difficult situations within social settings, we can draw on our desire for acceptance and can often find ways to compromise our needs to meet the needs of others. We need compromise in an interdependent society. However, this does not mean that you give up nourishing yourself. We can consciously strive for a balance, acknowledging our own values and limits to ensure that we do not over-extend ourselves.

Within ourselves, we may feel the push and pull of wishing to un-conceal aspects of ourselves while worrying that doing so may risk having to experience the awful pain of…disapproval of others (if I could, I would put this in a really scary font). I have certainly experienced this myself as a mental health counsellor who has also experienced stress and anxiety in my own life. However, in un-concealing aspects of myself, I discovered new aspects of myself including deeper empathy and desire to support others.

Here are four ideas to help you have a happy and healthy Halloween:

1. Make a mask. 
   Purchase a blank mask and some markers. You can also just use a piece of paper and use one side for the “outside” and other for the “inside”. On the outside write down all the roles you play in life such as parent, child, accountant, friend, co-worker, committee member, etc. Then write down what traits or aspects of yourself you tend to easily un-conceal in these roles. For example, caring, assertiveness, cynicism, tense, fun-loving. Then on the inside of the mask (or piece of paper), write down some aspects of yourself that you are interested in bringing out a bit more in your daily life. These might be aspects or values or interests such as compassion, ease, dance, integrity, playfulness, curiosity, wisdom, or honesty.
2. Get a “costume.”
   Either from your own closet or thrift store put together a “costume” that makes you feel comfortable and reflects what you find personally beautiful. As you go through your closet or thrift store, notice what colors you are drawn to… cool blues? Warm autumns? Notice what textures feel great against your skin… rough tweed? Soft fleece? Wear something that allows you to connect with your own personal style and physical comfort.
3. Eat a treat — mindfully.
   I don’t know if this is true or not, but I suspect that the candy tradition is related to the idea that the fall was a time of reaping the harvest, a time of abundance and replenishing for the cold winter season. Take a moment to enjoy a treat. Actually put your treat on a beautiful plate, have a beautiful napkin. Beforehand, offer up gratitude in any way that works for you, for the food in front of you.Take in the aroma of your treat. Actually look at the color of your food, feel its texture. Then eat it slowly with real enjoyment. I just had some baked apples and let me tell you; even that little act positively influenced my whole day.
4. Crunch through the leaves.
   Childhood was a difficult time for many people, a time when you did not get to choose your experience. As an adult, you may have more power to make choices for yourself. Remember when you were a kid, and you were like, “I can’t wait until I grow up, because when I do, I’ll get to do whatever what I want.” That promise, like flying cars, probably did not come true. But guess what? You do get to decide to have fun. So, take some time out of your day, feel the rain on your face, pick up some colorful fall leaves and toss them in the air, and enjoy this day.

All the best to you!

 (I submitted this post to World of Psychology: https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/10/27/4-ideas-for-a-happy-healthy-halloween/) 

Learning to say no, Learning to say yes

From the pressures to work more hours and be accessible seven days a week,

to the attention demanding tap- dancing clown jangle ring of the phone,  

the digital "deal with me now" flow of emails, 

to the increased pressure of the holidays to give goods as a symbol of caring (even when our own coffers are bare)... 

all of us have the desire to somehow service the requests of  families (chosen and un-chosen), friends, and work colleagues.  And this is a wonderful pro-social tendency, this desire to cooperate and support each other. 

However, a desire to be of service can become tricky when it becomes a need to avoid the difficulty of saying “no".   I think that when we stop engaging as choice makers, (making use of whatever personal agency we can access) we may miss the opportunity to develop a loving kind of maturity.   And I do think this is really hard to do, so let's be nice about it... particularly if you have experiences growing up in which you were rewarded  with positive feedback when negating your own needs.  

Sometimes saying "no" can seem difficult for other reasons. Saying "no" may evoke a sense of grief or loss.  For example, perhaps when saying "no" to relationships that might be tempting in the moment but problematic in the long run...or when the the desire to be viewed in a highly favorable light at work  runs smack into your very human production capabilities...or when saying "no" to the nagging Inner Grand Maestro of  Unrealistic Expectations who willfully insists, "yes, you can do it all for everyone. You can make it to the end of your to do list, you can love everyone and everyone can (and must) love you.  You can be perfect.  So snap to it."

Challenging the Inner Grand Maestro of Unrealistic Expectations can be an entertaining thought experiment.   I suggest you try it.   We can't do it all for everyone.  We do have to decide, as much as is within our power to, our own priorities and values.  In the midst of the sometimes seemingly ordinary aspects of our lives there is still a kind of profundity about our human existence. 

The fact is that you will never get to the end of your to do list.  Every day we dance in a  constant data stream, every moment a new improvisation filled with unexpected situations, opportunities, people, work responsibilities, our own shifting impulses and hopes for the future.    

And you can't love everyone and not everyone can love you.     We sometimes place our self worth  too much on the evaluation of others.  Whether a caregiver was unable to give the care we needed as a child, or a boss who seems oblivious to all the work we put in, or a love partner (s) who may be having their own challenges... we sometimes come to the invalid conclusion that the human limitations they experience are a direct reflection of our core love-ability. 

Additionally, saying “yes” to too many small, inconsequential requests can use up energy you might use to fuel other endeavors more in line with your personal values.    You may find yourself stuck in a job you hate without even considering moves to improve your situation.   You may find yourself arranging your day to suit the agenda of others without consideration to your own life agenda. You may find yourself saying "yes" to that Inner Grand Maestro of the Unrealistic and running down a path of frantic busyness, far from the places you are actually trying to get to.    So practice saying “no”.  Do it kindly. Do it gently.  But do it and walk away.  

I love the work of Therapist and Spiritual teacher Iyanla Vanzant in this area, and she says, “You have to set standards for how you want to be treated and what you expect from yourself and for yourself."   

Every day you are engaged in the challenging and exciting work of learning  how to love and live with other tender humans. Part of that learning is acknowledging your human limitations, your own gifts, passions, and values.  "Service" to others need not mean "no service" to self. 

So, when you notice that a small "ask" (can you...do you have time to...this is due...do you mind...) sets off an internal blast of frustration, start practicing “no”. Start small.  Start safe.  Experiment.  See what happens.  You can always change your mind.  

"No, I am focusing on spending more time with (fill in the blank such as family, friends, church, etc.) but I appreciate you thinking of me"...  Or "No, I am working on my (fill in the blank: creative writing, bubble blowing, public speaking, favourite hobby)"... or"No, as much as I m dying to check my email, I am going to focus on the person in front of me...or "No, I'm not going to beat myself up for making  a mistake.  I am human.  This is how I learn." 

Practice saying “no”.  Do it kindly.  Do it gently.  But do it and walk towards the “yeses"  that truly matter to you. 

(Re-edited from my previous post on evolvedgirl.net.)

Happy Holidays!

(The photo above is taken from www.picnoi.com-diverse stock photography: please check them out.  And a thanks to Constance Lynn Hummel, RCC for including a page of inclusive and diverse stock photography on her site) 

Backing up to move forward... a tip on how to improve your self confidence right now

The other day I was walking along, hunched over, face no doubt tensed in contemplation, eyes glazing over the gray concrete sidewalk... When it suddenly occurred to me that I could look up...I realized I was close to a garden and tarried there a few moments...enjoying the soft breeze tickling the trees, the clash of colors mingling in the embracing darkness, the sweet, clean scent of growing things...

How many of us go through life with our heads down, shoulders hunched, seeing only the gray concrete of our past, our mistakes, our flaws, our secrets, our wounds, our failed businesses, or ended relationships?  Our focus riveted to the small metaphorical space between our feet, the end of a downward gaze of shame. 

How many of us have heard a friend share all their perceived flaws... but when you look at them all you see is beauty?  There is something about seeing with eyes of love that we touch on a kind of wisdom... love understands the flawless nature of humans perceiving only actions as flawed. But so often we take on the identity of our flawed actions.   Do you find this to be true for you?  How do keep yourself from taking on your mistakes as if they made up "You"?

.."so you are in the small space of your fear.  See if you can expand outward, into your whole body"...

I recently took a trip to New York City with another therapist.  We not only took in shows and amazing museums, we also did a Gestalt workshop and a somatic experiencing session.   In the session, a remarkably wise therapist, suggested expanding awareness into the whole body, versus maintaining awareness on the pinpoint of fear/pain/hurt.   To my understanding, she was suggesting that, when we struggle or are afraid, we have a tendency to focus on that part and block out the rest of our experience.  

We can become fixated on a small part, some small aspect of ourselves that we perceive as a massive mistake, failure, an aberration.  

"I will never find love because each time I've found it, I managed to lose it."

"I can't show weakness in front others, if I do, I will be humiliated."

"I can't try...I am just no good at..."

Often when we've made some mistake, failed, misjudged,  feel hurt by something in the past, or that our bodies are in some way wrong... it's as if we take a magnifying glass to that part of our experience.  We can sometimes feel like that it is all there is to see about us, all there is for us to experience. 

Yet when we back up, expand out and see ourselves from a distance, not just the belly that we think is too mushy but also our shapely smile, not just the hurt experienced as a child but the way we choose to share love as adults, not just the way a relationship ended but the way we've maintained a friendship, not just our inner worries but our inner joys...We are more than that "thing".   You are more than that.

When you find yourself constricted into the small space of your suffering, your perceived failing (s), remember to be like a friend and see yourself in the fullness of who are.  Broaden your perspective.  Back up...Back out... so you can move forward. 

3 Tips for Dealing with a Manipulative Person

3 Ways to Deal with a Manipulative Person

Your stomach feels funny, it churns with a kind of anxiety you just can’t place.  You feel weird. Icky.  Like you can’t really trust yourself. You find yourself questioning the conversation you just had.  You usually have pretty good sense, but now you find yourself wondering how you could have misunderstood.    

The other person insists that you are being over sensitive, taking it wrong, and expresses irritation at your inability to comprehend.   You might hear words like, "whatever", "you're such a baby", "what's wrong with you", "my god, well aren't you sensitive",  or other close variations.  

In conversation with this person, you feel fuzzy.  They might talk a lot, but at the end of the conversation, you are not quite sure what they said.  You ask a direct question but  leave without a direct answer.  

If you have had these feelings, it is possible that you may be dealing with a person who uses manipulation when relating to others.  Mind you-we all do at some point. So this is not about labelling or judging someone.  But it is about recognizing when it's happening and responding effectively. 

Here are three tips to deal with a person who you think may be using manipulation in their relationship to you.

1.     If it is safe to do so, consider ending the relationship.  It’s that simple.  The people you choose to have in your life should add value to it not take value out of it.  We sometimes feel a sense of obligation to family.  We don’t get choose them.  However, your friends and/or your chosen families,  are your choice and your choice alone.  You have the right to decide who has the privilege to share in your joys and sorrows.  If most of the time you feel a sense of wrongness... walk away.  

 
2.    If you are not ready to end the relationship, set some boundaries to protect yourself.  Acknowledge that for whatever reason, you are having difficulty feeling emotionally safe with this person.  Ask yourself how you would you go about engaging with someone you do not feel you can trust?  Would you share your vulnerabilities?  Spend a lot of time with them?  Seek out opportunities to work with them?  Date them?  Probably not.   

3.    Connect with yourself and compassionately consider  how this person entered your life.   Mind you, it may have been totally random-a person you work with, a friend of someone in your peer group.  However, take a moment to assess if you  need some time to reconnect with your unique set of talents, skills, and abilities.    

When we are feeling vulnerable or desperate, we may find ourselves agreeing to go along with activities or people in an effort to over-please.  The feeling we get from over-pleasing others rather than  risking the discomfort of disapproval temporarily elicits feelings of safety, but in the long term tends to lead to resentment.  For someone who has learned to use manipulation as a means of survival, they might respond strongly when a person exhibits of signs of selfhood.  Don't let your fear of disapproval prevent you from respectfully and as harmoniously as possible moving towards your chosen goals.  

We all go through periods in our lives when our well of self-esteem or self-respect is running dry.  It’s at those times that we might feel more desperate about getting the approval of others. So if you find that this is happening for you at this moment in your life, gently correct course. Remind yourself that you are intrinsically worthy of love, pleasure, and respect.  You deserve to feel safe.  

You will disappoint others at times.  Accepting that reality is part of mature living. 

Good luck!